Tuesday, June 25, 2013

The Cycle of Self-Doubt and Brutal Arrogance

Mostly its self-doubt. I just wrote arrogance cause I wanted to make myself feel better.

Also, I think, it'll make for an interesting character.

But no, coming back to my cycle of self-doubt and the second stage which is, somewhat confident, its pretty draining. Yes, it is. I feel like, the more TV I watch, the more books I read, the more people I meet, it just keeps pushing me lower and lower and lower into my ever-so-inviting well of self-doubt. People are just so incredibly talented out there. There's just no way in the world that I can be a fan of Game of Thrones and in this same miserable life of mine, even for a second, call myself a writer. A writer of what? Really?

I'm very upset with the turn of events. When I say events, I mean my immense lack of talent. Fuck. So today is another day in the string of my self-doubt days, and I've begun to believe that unless I do something fantastic one day, this feeling is here to stay. Permanent.  

Monday, June 24, 2013

There's power in being vulnerable? What?

Its one of those days today that I needed some saving. I felt so vulnerable. It feels like, everything has a profound effect on me. I'm an easy person to hurt. An easy person to be made to feel insecure. An easy person to humiliate. An easy (very easy) person to move. And I'm not fooling you with the scale of this.

Since an year or two, I've noticed that I get more and more vulnerable each day. And to myself,  this is how I describe it  - I get more and more weak each day.

An year back, when I was in advertising, this happened. At the end of the month, we would all be emailed our salary slips by the HR before the salary gets credited. One day, I accidentally got the salary slip of another person. This man was a peon in our office. I was 25 and he is 45. 20 years older than I am. He has two children who go to school and a wife who works at other people's home helping in cleaning. cooking etc. At that time, I was getting close to thirty eight thousand rupees every month. Out of shameless curiosity, I opened his salary receipt.  His salary was fifty six hundred rupees. Fifty six hundred. I felt like something just ruptured my heart from within. My eyes welled up and I was unable to think. I instantly felt ashamed, guilty.. lets just say shitty altogether. My husband (then boyfriend) and I constantly think of business plans and things to do, constantly complaining of how this is not even close to being enough, how ours is a mediocre life. All of these conversations were racing in my mind, while I kept thinking of this man's two children who go to school, these little children who have actual needs. It took me a few weeks to get this out of my mind. Anyone that I shared this incident with, laughed it out, telling me how I need to have thicker skin, how I'm such a weak person to cry over everything.

And that is one line I get a lot in my life. How I'm too sensitive. How I'm too weak. How I need to be stronger so that nothing affects me. How I can never get ahead in life cause I'm just a very emotional person. How I'm foolish. How the world is not a trust fund that helps out everyone. How you only get what you deserve. How I'm ruining their moods and evenings by talking about such things. How unless "you can do something about it, there's no reason to talk about it". How everything hurts me. How everything worries me. How everything scares me. And somehow I've internalized it, that, I'm a vulnerable person. And yes, what a terrible thing to be it is.

So today, one of those days that I'm feeling terribly vulnerable, I came across this video. And what a wonderful revelation its been.


So, alright, this post is making no sense, maybe I just needed to write it down. So, done then.