Re-examine

I want to change things around. I feel stagnant. Not like I always feel nauseated when I am stagnant, just this is not the time to be stagnant. I feel like a bystander in my own life. Maybe I'm a bit of a control freak. Once again, maybe I watch too many movies. I feel like time is going by. I want to travel. I hate living like I'm supposed to be living. I hate conforming to so many rules, be kind, be honest, be as great a person I can be, and still not feel happy. I don't know what I want. And maybe thats what troubles me.

I used to think I'm passionate about writing. But the more writers I meet, the more unsure of myself I feel. If writing really was my passion, how is it that I've written 11 pages of my so-called book some 2 months back and never touched it again? The summary of which I did another 6 months ago? Then maybe my book isn't it. Or maybe I don't have my story yet.

I feel confused. I feel I'm in a perpetual trance of everyday things. I truly love the people in my life. But maybe thats not all that I want. I love bombay. But I dont love any place for too long which makes me feel tied. I want to go to fucking italy. Please someone take me to italy with them.

Ok, stop, pause, everyone. Breathe. I'm making a new plan. It just came to me, while writing this. Fuck everything. I deserve every bit of happiness in this world. Now this is what I'm going to do. I just got a raise. So.. I'm going to save every month and by my next birthday, September, I'm going to leave this country. I've always, always wanted to live in different countries. If I don't do this now, I cant do this ever. I have to, I need to do this for myself.

I have to do this.

And now, I have to save - no more splurges. I have to think of a country which talks to me the most. I have to prepare.

I think I've finally nailed what I've been irritated about. I have a vision of myself living like something, somewhere and I cant wait to start it. But I'm waiting, without a date, I feel like I'm working towards a non-existent goal. My life and my purpose is blurry around all this waiting.

I don't anymore want to wait around for anything, anyone. I cant wait to start this life and I figure at 25, half of my life has already gone. More sad than happy. And who said, the balance has to be this off? The clock is ticking and I need to get going. Thats the only thing good for me. An unhappy me is an annoying me. An unhappy me is everything I don't want to be.

One wait leads to another wait, and before you know it, there is a whole checklist of your ducks that need to be in a row. If I can wait for someone and their plans, wait, what about my plans? I at least deserve a date. And I hate pushing for a date, people need to respect other people's dreams and dates..umm.. time I meant. Yes, people need to respect people's time.

I'm also really hoping rupee value goes up, oh and also, I'm hoping I get a fucking job in another country. WOW. That's a lot for me and my poor little bachelors of a degree.

I need to stop talking now. Wokay then.

Emotional Intelligence and rest of March Madness

It’s been mine and Vinod’s one of the major chat themes, how people’s intelligence is segregated, some have the academic acumen, some emotional, some social, and some are well, not so much into the intelligentsia regime. Which is ok. As for the rest, you’d meet people who’d be so good at their 9 to 5(s), and be a complete mess in personal lives. Even the simpler things. I think the first lot of the mind-numbing knowledge wrecked set is the least successful in taking common knowledge decisions. Why is that? Wisdom should help simplify, right? Something here is snapping. You might say, rights differ with a person. Some know better, I probably don’t understand the view. But see, common sense is not a relative term, is it? It’s like speed of light. All observers should measure the same Speed of Light no matter how fast they are moving. Everytime such things happen, it further strengthens my belief that the learning inside class stands without a purpose if you haven’t learnt enough from outside people and places. I’m yet to meet a person who’d prove me otherwise. The more involved you’re inside, the less evolved you’re outside.

About March, now. This was an interesting month. I got a free makeover with Femina. And starting yesterday have been getting calls from people I haven’t spoken to in ages, about how I look just the same. Yaar ab koi kitni baar kahe, ki woh dasvi kaksha se ek hi jaisa dikhta hain. But all in all, the Femina thing was fun. I made some good friends, got a free hot stone massage at a top-notch spa in Bombay, free hair and skin consultation, hair colour, manicure, pedicure, a funky haircut and did I mention Espirit clotheline? :P

The only hitch is, I had recently curled my hair and as a part of my makeover, they ironed it back to straight. Yeah, thanks. Toh officially, I’m back to looking how I looked since tenth. But anyway, get the April Issue and let me know how lame and fobby it tured out :)

I have decided to not take up a rigid interns in the Mumbai heat and instead go home and take up small writing projects. As a starter, I also bagged a small project with NDTV, some marketing content. Which I’m extremely happy with. I get to be home, eating home food, save my money, use the club swimming pool all summer, and my brother sponsors my beer on Saturdays. Life is getting back to rosy, chicas.

P.S. About the title, I reckon there is not much madness in my march mentioned (hehe, I don’t share my drunk stories here, but I love the phrase, super marketing funde hain bhaiyo)