Bus Rides, Peeing Problems and my Brother’s Girlfriend

So I took a bus ride home. And oh my god, did I feel like somebody shoot me already or what? (Ok, fine, read god with a capital G, hate the stupid Microsoft word) Anyway, where was I? Yes, the Bus ride home! I had two sleeper tickets. Not sitting, not one, but two sleeper AC tickets, all to myself. No internet, no TV, and I couldn’t be happier of finally having the time when I have nothing to do after some 6 fucking months, but no sire, nature don’t know no happiness. Only that night, it decided to bail out on my good health and go all wanting to pee all the time crazy on me. Not fun, when there is this paunchy white vest clad bus driver only to your rescue. So I woke up at 2:30 AM wanting to pee. I though, hmm, what the hell, I’d just wait it out and the feeling will go away and I’d sleep away to glory. Yeah, that didn’t work. At 3 AM I decided to do something (?). So I went to the river’s cabin, and jeez, middle of the night, in his sound proof driver cabin in the front, my ears were attacked with the monstrosity of music – “dil deta hain ro-ro duhaayi kisi se koi pyaar na karen”. Wow. That woke me up, and apparently made me want to pee even more. So we stop at one gas station aka petrol pump, yeap those oldy sidey looking pumps owned by sardar community (Beeba, if you're reading, yeah whatever). And after he halts, he says, "jaldi se kar lo" ( do it quick). Yes, I don't know if you get it but I'm not really lets hang out with the truckwallas at petrol pump types. Anywho, to my gross bad luck, the only bathroom was locked. So I come back and tell my driver its locked find me another one, and here's what he asked me - "Emergency hain kya?" (is it an emergency). I dont know what to answer to that, really. Firstly, I wont really want to admit to such a thing to a bus driver, and now I'm sad, wanting to pee like crazy and totally embarrassed. But I said yes, "haan emergency hain". And the next thing I know, he stopped the bus in a darky place, told me to get off and do it here. That's right, and two hoots to all the prudes and to my dignity, integrity and all those insincere and vaguely described and quite questionable human traits, I pee-ed on the road. Yeah, pulling pants down, squatting and pee-ed on the fucking national highway. It was an out of body experience. Haah, now that I have that out of my system, I can pee again, umm, breathe again. Yeah anyhoodle.

Also, I was eavedropping on all my little brother's conversations on the phone, and totally fishing his computer for fun pictures (porn?), and here's my dilemma. There's a girl, lets call here X-e. And supposedly X-e is my brother's girlfriend, who is so scantily dressed on his birthday, you can be devirginized just by looking. And, to that, X-e gets I'm all over you piccies with every boy in the party, which just gets me thinking, who's girl is it anyway?

Now I'm back in Bombay, resigned from my old job, look forward to new beginnings and all that, like at least presence of the other sex in my workplace for a change would be good, maybe I'll start to dress better then, and shower everyday, even Mondays. You all do that, stop rolling eyes and acting all "oh god! you're filthy!" surprised. Now, it's a Sunday morning and I was just time passing waiting for my paper. Sorry about being rude, but gotta go. Ta!

The Thin & Diminishing Line Betwixt Being Free & Being Busy

My work which in my eyes is very ordinarily challenging takes away most of my time. I feel like my personal life is up for a spin, funnily enough though, this is only occurring to me now. How I unquestionably hate working Saturdays. And how I'm so taken by my work and its limitations, that it spills over to my all other sides. I haven't written anything exactly significant in more than three months. None too great a literature read, and no drawings made. I need to get all my creative energies together in something other than creative ways to make incredible excuses for a chaotic and utterly unorganized life.

So I have quite a few work woes, and I'm not ready to look at them like others, as in, the school of thought of 'nobody really likes what they do'. Because I for once, don't want to spend 40 hours per week of the best years of my life doing something I don't like. So as much as I really want to voice my woes and get things rolling, I never really know what is an acceptable work difficulty to express and which ones to manipulate extensively. Anyway, I don't think some of my difficulties make either of the cuts. Like how would you feel when you come in to work one day and there's a snake. A fucking snake. I mean, shit! What kind of a fucking work place is that!? Jeez. Anyway, I'm told its commonplace thing at IIT and we just need to learn to live with them. For which, I say - No.

Strange very very strange things have been happening, in the lines of finding snakes at your work place ofcourse. Like your Mom asking you if you've ever seen a boy stripping? That's freaky shit dude. She also very recently acquired the added skills of SMS-ing, so now whatever I tell her about my life all through her overtly frequent phone calls, she tops it with an SMS to go along with it, right after you hang up. So, they revolve around Aal iz well type-y jokes, to you need courage to live type lines, to sardar jokes to friends are forever to dirty jokes. Yeah, dirty jokes. Eww.

Also, I recently moved to a new place and don't know fuck about making new friends. Like what the fuck do you say, "Hi, you don't know squat about me but we're gonna sleep in the same bed and eavesdrop on each other's personal late night conversations from today. Of course, fucking awesome meeting you". Also, there are so many uncertainties. Like how tolerant are you with swear words, do you expect me to ask you for dinner when I go out? Do you like music in the background? Are you going to judge me if you see fleeting scenes of nudity on my laptop screen (Courtesy: Califorication, damn good show btw), and what's the protocol on dressing up? You dress in the shower or the bedroom? Or I don't know. It's just weird. And I now also have the headache to set up a new internet connection at my place, jeez. And a brand new bank account, because seriously SBI is a little too much for one life.

Salut!

Holiday Seasons, Bang Bang, Lychee Martinis, Vulgarity and I

I went to Bangalore. And there’s nothing even remotely banging about the damn city. In any aspect or meaning of Bang whatsoever. It’s boring as hell. Mumbai is delicious. Fuck yes. And I’m never leaving, that’s it. NOW I’ve said it. Screw you all.

I’ve started to notice how some words just sound so sexy. And they’re all rational non-dirty words. Just, sound so sexy. Even out of the context. Like Felicity. Say it, you’ll see. Like Velvet. Or say Froth. See what I mean? Anymore you guys can think of?

Apart from an obscene sense of humour, vulgarity and an unreasonable amount of curiosity in hindi swear words, I now also have a full time job. Which is great, but I hate the travel. Cause really, there’s only so much of strangers’ sweat you can take in a day.

Thanksgiving just went by and just cause I didn’t mention it does not at all mean that I’m an ungrateful bitch (although in the past few weeks there have been some meaningful directed not-so-subtle suggestions made to me to just get bitch tattooed instead of my really gay butterfly, huh) So yeah, there are plenty of things I’m thankful for. First off, I’m thankful to God for being so non-interfering. I like that sort of a system. It makes you all mysterious and brings in so much glamour. Like about your forms, if God is beautiful or just mom-look-alike? I am thankful to all the people in the world for trying out different cuisines and all sort of food, so we may sample it here in India, of course with a dash of tadka. That’s right, we have Indian Tadka in everything from Nachos to Risotto to Peri-Peri. I’m very very thankful for being given this body, and also eleventy thousand times more thankful for the sort of shit you can do with it. I’m thankful for Jet’s very hot cabin crew to make travel easier. I’m thankful to Vijay Mallya to make Kingfisher so readily available everywhere, you’re doing my country proud honey. I’m very thankful to my roomies for midnight laughs and always having leftover food in our fridge. I’m thankful for guilt free fantasies. I’m thankful to all open minded people for invigorating and extensively liberating conversations. To Melange, for making low-cost cotton kurtas. To W, for making Indian wear so ghetto. To Toto’s, for being there. Stay. For true affection. For short fleeting stares strangers give followed by a smile. To playful winking. To soundproofing. And to my salary, thanks for being there and on time Amen. Awomen.

PS: Oh about the title, Lychee Martini is a great waste. But it’s just so awesome to hold a Martini glass. Also, in this same Martini sampling party there was Yash Birla and of course my gossipy drunk mouth had to tell all my friends “look! Yash Birla, do you know he’s probably one of the richest guys in India?” and they were all like, he’s way too ugly for so much money. Hehe. True that.

PPS: Anticipate a big big post on my sacrosanct undying theories on IIT and IIT men ( there are only men in IIT). Since my recent close (and ongoing)encounter with IIT, I have come up with some totally bril ideas on "how to make IITians less of a loser in life?" and it will include a full scale course with workshops on "How not to speak of Hertz as a subject of omni-interest on dinner tables" and "How to stop assuming and start talking (in commonly intelligible people's language, and avoiding fight, machana and chamkana) Whew!", oh and certainly "How not all women are like porn stars! Anywhere on their bodies."

PPPS: If you thought just reading this post was sexy, you are a true IITian. Congratulations. Now, shut up, and join my workshops (and get a life).

Mwah Mwah XOXO

Blank Noise and Bombay Addiction and World Dont Stand No Chance

For the first part of the title, here. I contributed my story for a section called Action Heroes. Support.

I spent Diwali with Hussain at Prithvi and Juhu Beach. Been insanely busy writing for topics I dont really understand, Insurance, Management, Indemnity, Winter Gardening, Addiction, you get the drift. Well, Addiction, I do understand :P And why am I writing trash? Well chicas, we got Rent issues.

I have also been going nuts fixing Internet connections, moving, traveling in Autos, cooking, stuck in messy transactions with Bai, quality checking LIITs around umm everywhere, contemplating saving, hogging shawarmas et cetera.

I'm indebted, with sparse money in a city with much too many avenues to spend on, not to mention Landmark and Mango stores. I hope my Karma rewards me for my super-satiated behavior lately (in terms of shopping strictly). Strict leading to discipline leading to job thoughts, reminds me, I have a deadline. So more life updates later.


All in all, times, they are a changin'

What do you do when your daughter refuses to go?

In the opening of David Copperfield, Charles Dickens once wrote,
“Whether I shall turn out to be the hero of my own life or whether that station will be held by anybody else, these pages must show!”

I know people do braver things. Go to war for the country, lay down their lives for social justice, quit a comfortable life to help the poor, sit on hunger strikes for their rights, lots of things, which need immense strength and an indomitable spirit. Maybe my brevity will count nothing amongst those stories. Maybe I’m just a small portion but in my world, I think I went way ahead.

In my personal list of 100 things to do before I get old- Today, Now –
39. Stand up for myself.
I stood up for what I thought was right. Against all the odds and the evens. Against everyone who has ever loved me. Against the world which gives you no voice. Against the community which robs you of your freedom. Against this system, wherein, a woman’s happiness counts to nothing. And unhappiness, well, you just get used to it.

I read at IHM’s blog, what do you do when your daughter refuses? And it really made me think, that 99 out of 100 families in India will force her to come to terms with injustice. As long as he’s not hitting you and as long as you’re not burnt, everything else is workout-able. How much unhappiness is enough unhappiness? Why does our mother's generation think that all marriages are based on women giving up their lives, livelihood and dreams? Why is Happiness a selfish luxury asked by the girls way too spoilt?

Is an Indian Marriage a selfless act of righteousness? And Love here, just a possibility, not an intention, not the purpose, just a mere chance byproduct? Chance.

We have so many people working towards underprivileged women, with women married off too early, with women facing violence in marriages, women with drunk husbands, so many. But how is it that we never talk about the real problems. The problem is not that these women have the wrong men. The problem is that women are conditioned to not speak up. Not stand up. And left at the mercy, first parents, then husband, then when they consult their parents –redirected to husband. The real privilege so many of us are robbed off is Freedom. Freedom to speak our minds and be heard.

Unfortunately, a woman being unhappy in a relationship is tagged as ‘noncompromising’, ‘adamant’, ‘career oriented’, ‘too ambitious’, ‘selfish’, ‘self centered’, ‘egoist’ and last and my favourite, ‘slutty and characterless’. Why is it that if your husband earns enough and is not particularly hitting you, its enough and you shoudnt ask for more.

So what is it that is wrong here? I am? Someone who thinks that breaking up a relationship on the pretext that “I’m not happy!” and “I’m not ready!” is a justified cause? Have I had too much Hollywood? Am I dreamer? Should I have just shut up and go ahead and once again mess up my life? Once again.

Sometimes unhappiness is the only problem and I believe its justified as well. And you don’t have only lower class people in it. Ask any women of middle class homes in joint families and they’ll tell you how they’ve never made any decision of their life themselves. That is helplessness.

In their own peer pressure and their acclaimed self acquired right to dictate their children’s lives, they force you. All the time. To not wear a certain dress. To not sit on a bike with guys. To shut up and never utter the blasphemous words of breakup. Basically, to be scared, all your life. To be scared of who you might become. To be scared of who you really are.

How much longer are women just going to sit and blame fate. I never quite got the English translation for majboori. I just concluded that itni majboori shayad India main hi hoti hain.

I for one, have lead enough amount of time blaming the people, system and fate. And I wont anymore. And I’ll fight.

And I did. So yeah, I quit the whole relationship scene. I’m done. So long and thank you for… nothing.

The story of how I did, what I did, stands to be told, but that another day. It'll be a quite a bollywood for y'all. For now, wake up, it's september end. Brief smile. Greed. A whole hearted sleep.

The Pointlessness of Being.

There should really be a book like that cause this is the sole truth. And what is truth anyway. Truth is just a variation of the millions of permutations and combinations of life’s entities, it could as easily have been another. So don’t hold any accounts of truth, as I said, your being is pointless. There is also no point in wanting something, not because you wont get it, but sometimes, you just might and it will clear all your doubts in mind and reveal to you the only reality, there is no happiness in it. It will probably just be easy, if you never get it, hope makes world easier. Empty still, but easier. And so they say, to aim for something you will never be able to have, Ignorance, you see, is bliss. Now you know.

Life does not listen to your logics. Because Logic is subject to change and wisdom. And logic – is a perspective. Perspective and point of views are altered truths. And what is truth anyway. All in all, pointless.

A man is a man, is a man. They are all cowards and do not live independently. Ask any evolved man, and he will accept that he is. If he doesn’t, he’s proving it. They’ve lived and will always live a life of reassurance. I am very sure the whole concept of someone being there for you was made by a man, cause he’s weak. They’re all weak. They are all sadistic parasites who will not leave you alone. Whoever it is, a husband, a father, a brother. In his mind, your life is not yours, it’s a byproduct of his. And all women believe it. You are not incomplete without him, he is. And he will make you believe otherwise, why? you ask me? Because they are weak. Don’t be fooled by the life in him, whether he says it or not, or even dead, he will not leave you alone. Cause how else will he make himself feel better. Physically, and every other wise.

And while I tell you the truths of life, let me also tell you that you will never be happy. Because nobody is happy. Happiness is but a mirage. It’s an illusion they make you believe, to make you want to live. It’s a game and you will never win, that’s just one of the two rules. The other being, it’s pointless. If you want to go to the Himalayas chasing the meaning of life, you can, there are several ways of wasting time in this world.

If you think I’m just being a sad and depressed person who’s been wronged and hurt in life, and whatever other excuses you make, abused as a child, raped, disrespected, stranded, rejected, unloved, these are what they are, excuses. If you don’t know this already you haven’t lived long enough or you took an easier path, of ignorance that is (which is highly recommended).

The greatest mistake you can do in your life, is to want something. Desire will eat you alive. Everyday of your life it will remind you how you don’t have what you wanted. And the trick is, once you do have, you’ll want something else. There is no point to it. It is meaningless. You are going to get nowhere in life, because you are coming from nowhere and will reach nowhere. There is nowhere to be. So, to live better, is to be detached, to be free of all wants. Cause it wont be this one thing that you want, it will be a series of wants. There is however a point to detachment.

So, don’t ever ask me again why I don’t believe in God. I can tell you, but then again I’ll save your time and tell you cause he’s a Man. And he’s just the same, a sadist parasite. And if there was an ungendered fair God at all, who made all this beauty in this world of colours and water and wind - he’s dead. You are all alone, and you forever will be.

Ofcourse there’s no pressure, you don’t have to be wise today. You can most certainly think of happiness, link it to some future goals, rely on God, be easy on yourself. Happiness and God are the two biggest hoax mankind has ever played on you. God is, but a propaganda.

Journal of a Rock Angel

It's the Blog Swap time at 20 Something Bloggers and I and Hannah are tagged together. Guys - It means I write one post for her and she writes one for me. So here she is, give a warm welcome :)


This week I'm away at the youth group residential. We're staying at a campsite near Epping Forest. The plan is today that we head into London and do the tourist thing. Today is also Lambkin's Birthday (for those who don't read my blog the people around me go by nicknames rather than their own names) he turns 8 today so at breakfast we had present opening.

When I started this post we were waiting in South Kensington tube station trying to sort out our tickets - we needed a group ticket because its our youth group but we couldn't get the ticket at the first station. We were somehow allowed to board the train and organise the tickets at the other end.

Anyway so now here we are in the queue for the Science Museum. I do love the museum but there are so many people here I'm not sure its going to be worth it.

One of the guys in my group is serenading one of the girls (actually I think he was singing and she was stood in front of him)

Later today we are heading to Camden Market. I'll see if I can add pictures and bits later.

Thank you for having me. More Hannah-ness can be found at http://www.rockangel.co.uk

Hannah :)

Thanks Hannah. It's a pleasure :) I love girl journals.