Sunday, December 2, 2007

A Long Lost Red Crayon

The greatest factor that keeps us all going in life is a possibility of a better future.

As I sit here and watch over the past few years in a fanatic speed of bollywood flashback reel, I had, just like everyone else, thousands of these moments. When the present looks so dreary you almost leap down to thinking of giving it all up, for a distant house, a secluded city, anonymity.

You secretly keep wishing that in time you'll fall asleep and the morning will hold a better note.

I didnt let Bhaiya and Bhabhi out of my sight the entire night. Actually, it was quite impossible not to notice them. Colourful, vivid, young, energetic, lost.

He slided a ring in her finger. It was a twin band, one gold and the other white gold with diamonds studded all around it. Feel nothing. And then it was her turn, a broad gold ring with some twelve diamonds fitted in a square shape. Eww.

My aunt kept staring at me. As if my standing there was some bad luck for the couple. I'll just blame the cinema (for convenience) for ->
'divorced/widow=bad luck'
Eh, she hates me anyways, who cares.

I tried my level best to get lost in the crowd. But something or the other kept happening. Your coke needed ice, people come up to you and want to know hows college, you get hungry, its too cold, its suffocating. Useless unavoidable things.

Suddenly, I looked around to see everyone and it was like being in pairs was an obligation. All you see are couples. "Where the hell are those loud, obnoxious little kids when you need them in the picture?"

You know when you were in fourth grade and you get invited to a classmate's birthday party at their house. Chole-bhature, cake and triangular flourescent green caps. And you get a 10 rupees 12 colour crayon set.

Years down the lane, you find those crayons in the study table drawer. You cant throw them away, cause some weird Indian mother voice in your head keeps repeating, 'You might need them someday'. So you chuck them somewhere in there and shut the drawer close. Dark. It might never see the light of the day, but then again, it might.

I feel like that long lost red crayon. I want to sleep.


Karn said...


All you used to do was put me down
But I found a way to pick myself up off the ground
And all you used to do was criticise me
But now I found the good and I emphasise ya see

You would always get so sensitive
And try to turn your transgressions into my guiltiness
But now I'm certain of the way I live
And what I'm responsible for in this twisted game

And it's such a shame
That you try to make pain
Another word for my name
Whether giving or receiving
It's one the same
Just one more link
In your long-ass chain
But it's time to break
This frame and my strengthful will
Time to jump off this negative cycle we've built
Gave my heart
But my self-respection you won't steal
Now it's time to let ya know if you can hear me feel me

So I asked my momma for her two cents
And then I asked my little sister and I asked my friend
Then I asked my poppa once and I asked him again
Came two little consensus from all them opinions
That life is too short to be unhappy
And since I know what I'm worth there'll be no settling for dirt
Knowing what I deserve is gold
If I want diamonds then I can't settle for coal

Maybe I was just too strong to let go
Maybe I was just too weak to let it show
Maybe I was just too stubborn to say "No"
But whatever the case I can't take it no more

Sometimes I think maybe we'll patch it all up
Like a favourite pair of jeans that you won't give up on
Or maybe one of these arguments will make up
And start again like when we started this up
Back when everything was fresh
And every moment a blessing
I'd laugh at all of your jokes
You'd listen to my suggestions
One mind, one soul,
With common decimation
Now we can't help but fight over the direction

Saurav Arya said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Preshit said...

hi nainy...have been following ur blog since some time...u've posted after a long time! in my case it wud be those cheap pencil boxes instead of crayons.....i wud also keep those pencil boxes thinking i might need them someday! it is interesting how when v were kids, such return gifts were rather simple and inexpensive. I guess it is anything but that nowadays!

Karn said...

oh, and just so I don't run the risk of a plagiarism lawsuit;

lyric courtesy - Fatboy Slim , Greatest Hits

Saurav Arya said...


इसबार मै जिदंगी,
पेंसिल से लिखूंगी.
और पाकेट मे अपने,
एक इरेज़र रखूंगी.

Neon Zamboski said...

Its actually posts like these that I like and yet I dont. And pretty much for the same reason: they make me think. You know what makes our race - the prodigal human - different than pigs? The fact that we can be sure that its complicated. You said

"The greatest factor that keeps us all going in life is a possibility of a better future."

Better than what? The Past? The Present? Or the future that one's afraid might not be as 'better' as they want? Your statement is in a twilight zone. I just dont know if its near dawn or dusk? All I have to say is that everything is good in the end. If it is not good, it is not the end.

I didn't quite understand your analogy with the crayon. However, some things are better not understood. And btw, when you said triangular flourescent green caps, did you mean conical? :P

P.S. You write good. I'm sure nobody told you that before ;)

pranjal said...

thts really grt work
u really remind me of my colony days in a small village. v really use to have tht bday parties in our colony
really moving
keep rightin...

Nia said...

i can't read, i can FEEL your words nainy! i love the fact that you've kept your life like an open book. it takes courage to express with honesty.

i know how it feels to be a long lost crayon, but hey, u're also capable of coloring your own life then!

keep writing sweetie!

Atul said...

Ahh! That was so nostalgic! BTW, you forgot the butterscotch ice cream which used to be the best part of all those bithday parties! I seriosly miss them!

On the rest of the writing, just go and watch "Aaja Nach Le". You will feel better! Madhuri Rocks!

spotskhan said...

1st-good that you still feel ...people usually turn into stone post such experiences...

2nd-in a way its better.. that you feel like the red crayon....its almost impossible to rub off wax once it writes whatever would be written now by the red crayon will stay for a long long time....

The Young Saint said...

I just wanted to ask how was CAT?

Orkut didnot allow me to scrap... so this useless comment.

Rachit said...

I wish I still had some words left

uj said...


first and foremost,beautifully written...

secondly, i would like to try to make you look at it from a different perspective... maybe a perspective which i can relate to better...

well, look at it as if there eXists a system, and everyone who is part of the system wants you to be in the system... & you being the outsider, are looked down upon and made to believe the system is the only way of living, & living it right...

seen NO SMOKING????

i think you will relate to these people....

i know how it is when you are told by an "institution" that you canNOT, you are NOT meant to be, you are NOT right, you are the misfit,

but what amaZes me is the amaZing clarity you have about it...

keep writing
(i know i didNT make sense but well,,,, do read the book and see the film....)

Nainy Sahani said...

@ Karn
Thanks for the song :)

@ Preshit
I miss those parties. In retrospect, I miss the entire childhood. I'd rather be a kid anyday.

@ Saurav
Bahut sundar likha hain.

@ Arjun
"If it is not good, it is not the end".
I just coudn't stop smiling. Thankyou.

@ Pranjal

@ Sonia
Thanks, Sonia. How're you doing sweets? Write to me sometime. I'm also not on Orkut now, so email me! I wanna know!

@ Atul
Dancing itself helps. Although, I'm not sure if I'm looking for help. Still, any art helps :) Thanks.

@ Shahnawaz
Aapne kuch likhne ki zehmat ki itna kaafi hain.

@ The Young Saint
CAT was ok. Got some 88. Screwed up Math :( Applied at a few places, dekhte hain.

@ Rachit
When you do find the words, I'm right here.

@ Uj
Ujjwal Sir! :) What an awesome surprise. Thanks :) I'd get my hands on those both as soon as I can.

Atul said...

I don't know whether dancing helps or not but watching Madhuri surely does! That might not be quite applicable for you though! But then butterscotch ice cream is always there!

digvijay thakur said...

Deleted your orkut!!
Now I know Why do you wiegh 7 kilos less than half my weight!

Archana said...

oohi. gt writings. :D way to go. i'm going to look at them in greater depth later.

take care & keep in touch. tell me whn you are coming here so v can pain del all colors of d rainbow. found quite a few places to freak out at. :D & what else do two women neeed ;) tc.

Voice said...

Is this a story or real life incident?

Voice said...

Is this a story or real life incident?

Instinctivecuriosity said...

@ Voice

How does it matter?