Sunday, October 26, 2008


I could use company and a few drinks.
I need a new book in my life.


“मनवा में मेरे आँधी हैं उठी,
और स्तब्ध खड़ी हूँ मैं;

साँसों में बाँध अपनी ही साँस,
निः शब्द खड़ी हूँ मैं;

दुनिया से जीती, जीती ख़ुद से हारी,
बस ध्वस्त खड़ी हूँ मैं;

आईना मैं, और अक्स मैं,
मद-मस्त खड़ी हूँ मैं।”

“मन कि दशा से लड़ती मैं भिडती,
विश्वस्त खड़ी हूँ मैं;

मेरी लाज मैं हूँ, चुनर भी मैं हूँ,
चुनर पे दाग़ भी मैं।”

“मैं श्याम-श्वेत, बादल मैं रेत,
निर्जर-सी छरी हूँ मैं;

अन्ध्यारी रात दीपक में बात,
स्वप्निल-सी परी हूँ मैं;

कंचन कि काया, अपना ही साया,
बस ख़ुद से डरी हूँ मैं;

लकड़ी में गीली, थोडी सहमी सी,
थम-थम के चली हूँ मैं;

विश्वस्त खड़ी हूँ मैं,
निः शब्द खड़ी हूँ मैं,
सर्वत्र खड़ी हूँ मैं,
सर्वत्र खड़ी हूँ मैं।”

Sunday, October 19, 2008

Too Many Questions, Too Few Answers

Why? Why did you have to be in my life in the first place? And now, I don’t have a say in getting you out of it too? I want to get over it, but probably that’s what my problem is. I never get over anything. I always feel like it all goes on forever, it’s all connected. And just keeps getting complex by the day. And I keep accumulating these unforsaken memories, moment by moment, every day of my life. I’m getting old and tired you know. And there are quite a few I want to get rid of. And I never forget anything. And I don’t forgive myself. Ever. Probably the reasons why my sentences are short. Sometimes I think I’ll do everyone around me a little favour if I stop being this hopeful. I’m really such a fool.

The biggest fear, the one I think is a jinx to even utter, is that I’m not hopeful. And I don’t want to believe it, I’m the only person left now, who’s counting on me. And I don’t want to let myself down, again. I really just want to be strong. I really just want a plain life. Maybe even a petty and insignificant life, that’s great actually. Anything normal works.

I hate myself for letting this happen. Love, love me do. Sob sob sad lady.

Thursday, October 9, 2008

“I’ve known people like them. They all have certain characteristics in common. They’re tough, because there’s a kind of toughness that’s found in the worst sorrow. They’re honest because the truth of what happened to them won’t let them lie. They’re angry, because they can’t forget the past or forgive it. And they’re lonely. Most of us pretend, with greater or lesser success, that the minute we live in is something we can share. But the past for every one of us is a desert island; and those like Khaled, who find themselves marooned there, are always alone.”
-Lin, Shataram

I like these lines. They make me smile, in respect, retrospect and nervousness. As they say, you only love in something or someone, the part which is you. Are you with me so far? Rephrasing, only that in you which is me, can hear what I’m saying. Probably the reason why the above bit has been ringing in my ears since last night.

P.S. Other than that, I’ve noticed that my capacity to swear at any random moment of my life (awake, semi awake and in almost sleeping states) has never been better. There is not a single context in the past one month or so which has been devoid of atleast a single F**k or Ch**t as my reaction. The latter is a lot more satiating phrase ofcourse. F**k is vague, there’s way too many intangible and softer uses for the word, in turn the real glory is lost in the chaos. Whereas, Ch**t is direct, in the face, no shitting and damn serious. I love that, and the sound of it.