Tuesday, June 24, 2014

Let me not write this.

Nowadays when I write something, I hate that the first thing that comes to my mind is - for whom? For who am I writing this? Maybe I can withhold this piece and submit it for work. Maybe I can make a twitter joke out of it. Maybe I'll store it away for that book I'm writing. Or was writing. I'm not entirely sure anymore. Or maybe I'll update my blog with it today. But write it for free? Who will pay me for it? What if it becomes my star blog and someone steals it and makes a best seller out of it? Or worse, maybe it actually does turn out good and then I wont be able to use it anywhere again, ever.

By now I've lost my idea. I don't even want to write anything.

This is a game I'm severely and drastically losing at. And then I'm devastated because suddenly I can't write. I miss the old days where I used to blog all the time and I didn't know who was reading it, or if its even being read. And I never got paid for anything. So I wrote everything with all my heart, just exactly like I felt it. This was my place to write. This was the only place to write. And it was beautiful. I loved it. Maybe only ten people ever followed my blog but for some reason that was so much more satisfying than a thousand people on twitter reading every word I write.

Its hard, this struggle.

Sometimes I think I would have been a better writer if I weren't a writer. Or say, if I was in insurance sales. Or cupcakes. Anything. Maybe I would've treated the written word a little more non-committal-y than I do today.

It's also insecurity, I realize.

What if I never have an idea this good ever again. Let me think about this a little more. Let me not give it a fleeting existence on twitter. Let me not give it a chance to breathe. Let me strangle it, juice it, suffocate it with mindless, incessant over analysis and condense it into a vague, bulleted, left aligned iphone note. In stuttered, nonsensical, short sentences until I forget about it, don't understand what I was trying to say with it, and one day, delete it.

I guess I can publish this post. Nobody will pay for this crap. Except, maybe, in a magazine meant for writers. Oh, that's an idea! Shhhhhhhh.  

Thursday, February 20, 2014

Desperate Housewife

I'm  now a housewife. Not a homemaker, by far, but a housewife. Lots of wonderful (I'm trying to not be whiny and negative) and surprising revelations about myself now fill my days. I care less and less about food, that I have to decide, arrange for and cook. I like to go out, now more than ever. And this is not a fun thing, because when you quit working after a few many years of blessed financial freedom, a different kind of guilt takes over. One where your mind boggles on which is a reasonable expense to make? Hmm, I don't know, 4 euros for a thai-coconut curry mix or 5 euros for a discounted maroon H&M suspenders? Its H&M, and it was discounted. This one was easy, I picked the suspenders and a three pack frozen pizza for dinner. But its not always this easy.

Its really difficult to explain. Its not like He's been a less gracious provider, he's been wonderful really. Every few days when he notices I'm being low and generally quiet, he announces how I should just go mad shopping the next day. It always makes me feel cheap, viciously superficial and very fucking happy. So happy. But its like my heart knows the difference. I don't like just shopping, I like guilt free shopping. One where I go reckless in my office lunch breaks, and adjust credit cards to look all flower paisley fantastic for my ingeniously smart banker husband. And where I buy house decor online on weekends and one where I surprise Him with small gifts he didn't know he needed. I really miss doing all of that.


Monday, January 20, 2014

A Blog Well Waited

Week 2 in Deutschland. Sitting in the international library and wildly ecstatic for overhearing English being spoken by two elderly British gentlemen discussing politics. English, ja, since most of the time my ears have been feasting on the mighty German.

Yes, I finally made the move. To Germany. Why? Because the opportunity came and it didn't sound half bad and frankly I've been in a anywhere-but-here kinda mode since a few months.

So last month, while everyone soaked in the Christmas cheer, Him and I packed up our tiny Mumbai apartment, bid farewells to the family and moved to Deutschland.

Nothing prepares for Germany. Not even learning German on Duolingo. Nope. The small expat community online looks lively enough, sure, but no, you ain't seen Germany yet till you're stranded on a U-Bahn stop with three fat old ladies who make absurd hand gestures at you saying "Nien Englischhhhxyz xytjefjfhhfj". What? Who's being racist? I'm being accurate yo, phonetically of course.

Leaving is hard they say. But this is the super power I discovered about myself last month. I left quite happily. And not just the people, I was completely okay leaving behind things, home, infinite boxes full of stuff that at one time I absolutely had to have for my life to go on. Fantastic. But it's the arriving, the landing that I'm struggling with. Usual expat blues, I'm being told. English speakers are less, and English speaking jobs lesser still. So, the bad news is - I'm unemployed. Also, the good news is - I'm unemployed. If I told my past self that I'm right in the middle of Europe with no presentations due today, tomorrow or the next few months. I'd be shooting rainbows out of my ass. So, I'm conditioning myself to being free so much and then to utilize this free time effectively.

Conflict 2: Cold. I've got to conquer this devil. I'm a summer child, yeah.Winters make me melancholic, winters make me sad, uncomfortable, oh and immobile. I had this discussion with myself and Him when we took this decision. And it struck me then, if I keep chasing the summer suns forever, I'm cordoning off half the planet for myself already. Just like that. And that made me terribly sad. So, I packed my ear muffs and jumped right in. Also a sack full inners, leg warmers, woolen sockies, hats and gloves. In other news, they're forecasting a snow storm next week. Yes, FML. My ears ring, my toes and fingers feel like icicles and with my five foot frame, I look like a stuffed baby bear walking the streets. A cute and cuddly bear but a bear alright.

I made a huge to-do list sometime in 2008, that I stumbled upon today and I thought, hell, there will never be a better time than this. I don't have a job, I know a total of zero people (except Him) and a big to-do will be such a blessing.

So, that's all the updates from my part of the world, check back later and thank you listening to my chatter.

Sunday, September 15, 2013

When Planning Gets In The Way Of Doing

I already gave you my epiphany in the title. So, little remains to be said, other than that I've been planning so many things, I've seldom been doing any.

Not being lazy, just sheer arrogance. Since, this wasnt in my plan, I refuse to acknowledge it. Like a bitter, blind, rigidly disillusioned woman.

As a new wife, I fight many expectations. Some with myself even. Ever since I got married last year, this expectations list has grown three fold. There are people who need acknowledgement, responsibities that need undivided attention and there are shameless prying questions to be answered.

Oh I got one, my hotness of a husband and I often get stumped on this one - why do I need to keep a job? Ugh. I always visualized the adult life as being on a perpetual vacation. Bright beautiful sun-lit pictures on a yacht and endless non-fattening barbecues with men dressed in wrinkle-free polos and ample just-enough-high-inducing champagne glasses.

Nobody told me about weekdays.

As you can see, my sunday night, impending monday morning depression is in full swing. And too many problems right now are appearing to be one. And there's a lot of ranting I can do right now. Or I can finish my pending work. Or read my book. Or smoke. Shit, I forgot, what was my actual plan?

Tuesday, June 25, 2013

The Cycle of Self-Doubt and Brutal Arrogance

Mostly its self-doubt. I just wrote arrogance cause I wanted to make myself feel better.

Also, I think, it'll make for an interesting character.

But no, coming back to my cycle of self-doubt and the second stage which is, somewhat confident, its pretty draining. Yes, it is. I feel like, the more TV I watch, the more books I read, the more people I meet, it just keeps pushing me lower and lower and lower into my ever-so-inviting well of self-doubt. People are just so incredibly talented out there. There's just no way in the world that I can be a fan of Game of Thrones and in this same miserable life of mine, even for a second, call myself a writer. A writer of what? Really?

I'm very upset with the turn of events. When I say events, I mean my immense lack of talent. Fuck. So today is another day in the string of my self-doubt days, and I've begun to believe that unless I do something fantastic one day, this feeling is here to stay. Permanent.  

Monday, June 24, 2013

There's power in being vulnerable? What?

Its one of those days today that I needed some saving. I felt so vulnerable. It feels like, everything has a profound effect on me. I'm an easy person to hurt. An easy person to be made to feel insecure. An easy person to humiliate. An easy (very easy) person to move. And I'm not fooling you with the scale of this.

Since an year or two, I've noticed that I get more and more vulnerable each day. And to myself,  this is how I describe it  - I get more and more weak each day.

An year back, when I was in advertising, this happened. At the end of the month, we would all be emailed our salary slips by the HR before the salary gets credited. One day, I accidentally got the salary slip of another person. This man was a peon in our office. I was 25 and he is 45. 20 years older than I am. He has two children who go to school and a wife who works at other people's home helping in cleaning. cooking etc. At that time, I was getting close to thirty eight thousand rupees every month. Out of shameless curiosity, I opened his salary receipt.  His salary was fifty six hundred rupees. Fifty six hundred. I felt like something just ruptured my heart from within. My eyes welled up and I was unable to think. I instantly felt ashamed, guilty.. lets just say shitty altogether. My husband (then boyfriend) and I constantly think of business plans and things to do, constantly complaining of how this is not even close to being enough, how ours is a mediocre life. All of these conversations were racing in my mind, while I kept thinking of this man's two children who go to school, these little children who have actual needs. It took me a few weeks to get this out of my mind. Anyone that I shared this incident with, laughed it out, telling me how I need to have thicker skin, how I'm such a weak person to cry over everything.

And that is one line I get a lot in my life. How I'm too sensitive. How I'm too weak. How I need to be stronger so that nothing affects me. How I can never get ahead in life cause I'm just a very emotional person. How I'm foolish. How the world is not a trust fund that helps out everyone. How you only get what you deserve. How I'm ruining their moods and evenings by talking about such things. How unless "you can do something about it, there's no reason to talk about it". How everything hurts me. How everything worries me. How everything scares me. And somehow I've internalized it, that, I'm a vulnerable person. And yes, what a terrible thing to be it is.

So today, one of those days that I'm feeling terribly vulnerable, I came across this video. And what a wonderful revelation its been.


So, alright, this post is making no sense, maybe I just needed to write it down. So, done then.

Monday, January 28, 2013

Living the (abnormal) Life

A wonderful thing happened today. I found a group of people I can finally feel,  I belonged to. And almost simultaneously found out that they're a sort of phenomenon to be studied - in fact, also dubbed as ones with abnormal tendencies.

Do you know what is the Peter Pan Generation?- These are groups of adults who do not acknowledge responsibilities like marriage, children and career, adults who refuse to grow up.

Funnily enough, my husband emailed me this article, calling me 'the leader' of 'this' generation. I'm mostly happy about it, knowing that he knows and knowing that he's okay with it.

I do in fact think a lot like that. I do refuse to grow up. Because honestly I see nothing great about being an adult. I think we unnecessarily complicate our lives with expectations that will do no good to anybody and stress ourselves out with innumerable lists on things we need to do, things we need to own, things we need to see, things we need to accomplish.

And we forget that we weren't born with these lists and there's no real proof that people who tick off all these, live a fuller and happier life. Then why exactly burden ourselves with these? Oh, to leave for your generations? Have you asked your future grandchildren or children if they want any? Are you living off your father's wealth?  Cause that'll sort of answer, do you want to continue this parasitic generation values? I say, let them be - free.

I in fact also believe that physical commitments such as these stagnate your life. You're so worried about fulfilling these on-paper duties, that you forget the life you're living right now. It somehow makes no sense in my mind to prepare for a luxurious life after 50 and suffocate my best years of 20s and 30s.

But I think this phenomenon is depicted wrong, these are not people who refuse to grow up, these are in fact people who refuse to take things too seriously. People who are a little more free minded than usual.

No, these are not people who are afraid to be in relationships or commitments, these are people who are free of the urge to be in a hundred social circles. These are not people who are scared of relationships, these are people who are not scared to be alone. And there is a difference. Big difference.

We're not looking for your approvals. We are okay to be stared at, to be questioned, to be tagged, to be name called, and to be envied (rightfully).

Sure, I have a lot of "I dunno"(s) in my life. But you see I'm in no hurry. I have no special place to be, and in doing so, every place is a place to be. I actually do make my life decisions based on "if its making me happy or not?" "If he/she makes me happy or not?" That's it. As simple as that. This is all that there is to my decision making. I dont overburden each decision of my life analyzing its 5-year repercussions. And I think I've done pretty damn fine.

I do believe we're misunderstood. Anyway, here's the link to the article that triggered this post. And please know, that there's more to this than meets the eye. Maybe, I've finally found my research subject. You think?