Saturday, November 13, 2010

Re-examine

I want to change things around. I feel stagnant. Not like I always feel nauseated when I am stagnant, just this is not the time to be stagnant. I feel like a bystander in my own life. Maybe I'm a bit of a control freak. Once again, maybe I watch too many movies. I feel like time is going by. I want to travel. I hate living like I'm supposed to be living. I hate conforming to so many rules, be kind, be honest, be as great a person I can be, and still not feel happy. I don't know what I want. And maybe thats what troubles me.

I used to think I'm passionate about writing. But the more writers I meet, the more unsure of myself I feel. If writing really was my passion, how is it that I've written 11 pages of my so-called book some 2 months back and never touched it again? The summary of which I did another 6 months ago? Then maybe my book isn't it. Or maybe I don't have my story yet.

I feel confused. I feel I'm in a perpetual trance of everyday things. I truly love the people in my life. But maybe thats not all that I want. I love bombay. But I dont love any place for too long which makes me feel tied. I want to go to fucking italy. Please someone take me to italy with them.

Ok, stop, pause, everyone. Breathe. I'm making a new plan. It just came to me, while writing this. Fuck everything. I deserve every bit of happiness in this world. Now this is what I'm going to do. I just got a raise. So.. I'm going to save every month and by my next birthday, September, I'm going to leave this country. I've always, always wanted to live in different countries. If I don't do this now, I cant do this ever. I have to, I need to do this for myself.

I have to do this.

And now, I have to save - no more splurges. I have to think of a country which talks to me the most. I have to prepare.

I think I've finally nailed what I've been irritated about. I have a vision of myself living like something, somewhere and I cant wait to start it. But I'm waiting, without a date, I feel like I'm working towards a non-existent goal. My life and my purpose is blurry around all this waiting.

I don't anymore want to wait around for anything, anyone. I cant wait to start this life and I figure at 25, half of my life has already gone. More sad than happy. And who said, the balance has to be this off? The clock is ticking and I need to get going. Thats the only thing good for me. An unhappy me is an annoying me. An unhappy me is everything I don't want to be.

One wait leads to another wait, and before you know it, there is a whole checklist of your ducks that need to be in a row. If I can wait for someone and their plans, wait, what about my plans? I at least deserve a date. And I hate pushing for a date, people need to respect other people's dreams and dates..umm.. time I meant. Yes, people need to respect people's time.

I'm also really hoping rupee value goes up, oh and also, I'm hoping I get a fucking job in another country. WOW. That's a lot for me and my poor little bachelors of a degree.

I need to stop talking now. Wokay then.

6 comments:

Hussain Haidry said...

We're pretty much in the same phase. Cheers. :(

Sonia said...

Take a break and come to San Francisco! Also, there's this college http://itmitourtraining.com/index.shtml in SF, which might open doors to touristy things that pay ;-)

Nomad said...

the last para was really a ramble..

all the best with the Italy plans. I will back-packing in Europe (incl Italy) sometime next year - If i dont have to wait anymore.

அ. பசுபதி said...

You can be sure of yourself as a successful web writer. I too experienced the same difficulties. From 1968 in mags and for the past ten years in net, I write. Your writing is interesting; presentation nice. Kudos!
- Devamaindhan

mahesh said...

hey i just love the way u write..
its so interesting..and specially this post..
may be bcoz e1 i am in the same phase..

mahesh said...

hey i just love the way u write..
its so interesting..and specially this post..
may be bcoz e1 i am in the same phase..