Thursday, July 16, 2009

Daddy's Little Girl

Most people start with ashes and as life turns old, things turn gold. They beckon all the beauty and serene, rise and shine. Leave the old lives behind. And then, just never look back. So heroic their progress seems. So apt, so desirable and so deserving. I envy them. I belong to those ditched cast of people whose past never leaves them alone. Not because of it was dark and dreary, but because it was beautiful. It was flawless. Had I made and drawn my life myself, I still wont have changed a thing. And then one day at a time, it all changed.

I started with everything in my fists, just I never knew how to hold it right. And then I lost it all.

I have this lovely memory of going swimming with my Dad for the first time. I was very little, tiny really. And I had seen a swimming pool before, just never been allowed to get inside one. My mother was there, my little brother. I didn’t have a swimming costume so my dad just made me wear those little boy shorts and told me I’m good to go. Now, I could’ve been a little girl but I had seen TV and had some idea how women dressed. And I was so embarrassed. So the tiny me, shyly came out of the changing room, hiding behind Papa and covering my chest with my hands. It was so hilarious (to everyone else there) that my mom almost slipped in the pool laughing it out. And I had no idea why everyone was laughing. I thought they’re laughing because Papa has such hairy legs. But when I realized they were laughing at me, I bolted right past Mom, covered myself in a towel and never spoke to anyone the whole day. Till in the evening they bought me a new red swim suit and a swimming cap. But they laughed still.

It was so special. When I was little I used to sleep on my Papa’s chest. When I was little I remember how Papa once told me that he wished he had another girl like me and not my little brother. I remember my grand ma telling me that when Mom was pregnant they had only thought of a name for a girl, not a boy at all. I remember how he used to gather all the kids in the family and play games with them. I remember being jealous when Papa paid too much attention to the other grown up kids of the family. I had always wanted to be like my Dad. I used to applaud anything he liked and rejected anything he didn’t. No plain milk for Dad, no plain milk for me. White shirts to bed for Papa, white shirts to bed for me. Since I never had White shirts, I used to just wear Dad’s. It made me feel even more special to wear his clothes. It made me feel how I was his favorite in the world. I used to get my hair cut like his. I even tried to shave my face once, just to be like Papa. I would’ve done anything for him. Pity, I’m the person who took everything away.

We were so happy, my mom and dad were the best parents in the world. They were strict about somethings, for example sleepovers. But for everything else, they were amazing. We had a cozy little place, great dinner conversations, so much to tell each other, we were happy to just be around each other. And then it all went wrong.

My broken relationship broke down everything. Sadly, irreparably. The problem is he loved me too much. So do I, and that’s why it hurts. I cant forgive myself. Papa has a heart of a little girl, and I wish I could take it all away for him. Get him a better world. Woudnt have made so many mistakes. He still wanders in those troubles and I feel helpless when I can’t get him back to be in the present tense. I feel responsible and guilty. He just never was the same man again. And I miss him. I miss him terribly. And I cant see you suffering like that Dad. I wish I could go back to being the same stupid midget I was when I hid behind you for everything, and I swear to god, Dad, this time around I’ll listen to each word that you say.

Just come back to me. Please. Just the way we were. Lets all go back to dining room. Just once more. Come back to yourself. Come back to me. I miss you around me.

8 comments:

Honey said...

Dear Ms. Shahney,

as a father to be, i can assure you that He is still very much with you in your trials and tribulations...through your doubts and frustrations...you are a part of him and must now do him proud by bracing your newfound role.

Dont lose heart...daddy loves you all the same.

I believe you'll make him proud once again and bring him back to his old self.

God Bless You.

Subhajit said...

:(

hardlyhearshimself said...

I've never had too intimate a relationship with either of my parents, but I can understand what you mean because I feel the same about my father. He is the man I respect most in the world, and I can only hope to grow up to be a portion of the man he is.

In the end, just don't give up hope. He's your father, and you're his daughter, so it's never too late

Esther said...

Aw! I regret some of the stupid mistakes which hurt my dad to the core, and when I had raised my voice at him once unintentionally! Its been almost a year now since it happened but yet I regret that I was so rude and mean! And am paying for rebelling now.

Sonia Gaud said...

parents can't stay upset like that for too long. when he'll see you moving on with your personal and professional life - he'll get back to being the same old dad.

life is too short to feel anything for too long. good or bad.

Chao said...

Don't be so heartbroken. You are still his little girl and he wants only the best. This happens in life...when we grow up and well, life starts happening.

Don't lose heart..keep being that wonderful daughter...only gone a little wiser with time :) I wish he could read this to know how you feel...how deeply you feel.

Cheer up...there's too much to do in life...and believe me- time heals everything :)

manish said...

this makes me cry ... !!!

Mustika Sari Sayuti said...

Hi there! I also always wanted to be like my Dad, he is my hero!
I miss my daddy too.. :)
and I hope you and your dad will be all ok :)